3 Things I Started Doing to be Better at Relationships

Self awareness is key

There’s a lot of things that we can avoid in life by just knowing ourselves, our triggers, strengths, and shortcomings. In my journey to becoming a better person, I have been more receptive to feedback from people I trust. These people have the right to tell me that I’m tripping or just doing the most. I will sometimes ignore them but for the most part, I know they always have my best interests at heart and I take their perspective seriously. One of the feedbacks that I’ve received in the past is that I can be pretty judgmental with my words and I’ve been working on that because relationships, platonic or otherwise, mean a lot to me. I want people to feel at ease and free when they’re with me and these three lessons have helped me. These lessons have come from my time alone reflecting but I’ve also been intentional with seeking out resources such as therapy, prayer/preaching, and podcasts to help me grow in this area.

• Unless they ask, JUST LISTEN

I was listening to a podcast a little while ago and the guest there, Nedra Tawwab, was talking about the importance of letting people have their feelings. As a therapist, she said that one of the boundaries she has in place for herself and her clients is that she lets them come undone without jumping in and offering solutions. If as a therapist, she recognizes that people need to feel without opinions from others, then who am I to offer unsolicited advice?

I still struggle with this sometimes because as an outsider, you usually have the advantage of seeing a situation with a certain level of clarity than those in said situation. However, unless they ask for your feedback and opinion, just be quiet and listen. It takes a lot of mental practice but it’s definitely helped me avoid 1) overwhelming them more than they already are 2) interrupting their emotions and 3) coming across as lacking empathy. This can be very frustrating because if we are being honest, as a society, we are not accustomed to sitting with our emotions and will often offer advice as a way to rush the other person. It’s a polite way of saying ‘okay girl, hurry up and wrap this up’ without sounding like a demonic sociopath. It can be so awkward especially for those of us who love to talk and if you are inclined to say something, consider these:

That sounds like you are juggling a lot of things

I am so sorry that you are going through that

You are right, that absolutely sucks

I am here if you need anything

• Your way is a way not THE way

It is my belief that my way of doing things is usually the best way but nobody but me wants to hear that. Everyone believes their way is also the best way of doing things and sometimes we can all try to project that onto others. My way of life is the best way for me because that approach is unique to my needs and desires. Attempting to copy and paste that unto another person who is designed with unique needs/beliefs is one the most futile use of my time, I’d be more productive trying to fill a strainer with water. This is especially challenging when it involves people we care deeply about but unless the person at hand is a child who relies on you for direction, let people find their way.

• Support but don’t fix

I have been shifting my role from fixer to supporter. A fixer jumps in to problem solve while a supporter sits there with you as you figure it out. It’s the difference between being a cheerleader and a coach. It’s having the empathy that says ‘life is hard for all of us and as we each figure it out, we’re going to hold each other’s hand’. I’m also recognizing how limited my knowledge, capacities, and resources are and that many things are above me. With that, I have started setting clear boundaries and encouraging people to seek other support. Whether it be prayer, the word of God, or therapy, I’m learning that it’s not my responsibility to fix anyone (I couldn’t even if I wanted to) but I can definitely stand beside you as you do.

Reflect & Journal

• What’s a way that you felt supported recently? What did the person do? How did that make you feel?

• How have you shown up in your relationships? What can you do (or not do) to show up better?