Bettering Myself vs Feeling Inherently Flawed

The people I envy

Let me preface this by saying that jealousy is a natural and normal emotion like every other emotion humans experience. It’s what you do with it that determines whether or not there’s a place for you in heaven. I am truly envious of people who are content with who and where they are in life. These people either do not see any character trait about them that can improve or are aware but maintain that it’s everyone else’s responsibility to adjust. I honestly envy people who move with that level of self-contentment because I literally cannot. There are days I want to be toxic so bad but the Lord won’t let me be ugly. I do have toxic behaviors about me that I’m aware of and when I cross those lines, I feel awful and will do my best to rectify and reconcile.

What’s the problem?

Even though it may sound like I’m complaining, this is honestly one of my favorite things about me. I genuinely love that I always want to be better and grow through difficult situations but it can get exhausting. I often have to navigate this dance between desiring to better myself (motivated by love) and feeling as if I’m inherently flawed and must change everything about myself (motivated by insecurities).

• Desiring to better oneself: There is nothing wrong with wanting to show up better, kinder, and stronger than yesterday but it should always come from a place of wholeness. Meaning, even as I’m growing, there is a joy in knowing that if nothing else changes about me from this point forward, I am still an extraordinary person worthy of love, respect, and safety.

• Feeling inherently flawed: This can look like bettering oneself but is often coming from a place of insecurity and sometimes self hatred. It is believing that you need to continuously aspire to be better while never taking a moment to celebrate the greatness already within. It’s waiting until you lose weight before wearing that beautiful outfit. It is believing that you need to look, feel, or be a certain way in order to be worthy of a meaningful life.

In both cases, the individual is trying to better themselves but one believes that they are already complete and lack nothing while the other makes greatness a destination instead of an innate part of the human experience. Let's also remember that two truths can coexist:

• You can love your body as is and want to go to the gym or eat better

• You can love your personality and still want to challenge yourself in the way you show up

How it’s showing up for me

I take pride in learning and growing through different experiences but I recently had to take a step back and reflect on my motivation. I began to feel as though I was knocking myself down in the name of ‘evolving’. I would over analyze everything I did and it started to feel a little crippling. It also doesn’t help when you’re trying to find your Zen and kumbaya while some people continue to act mean, inconsiderate, and downright demonic.

In my last therapy session, I remember talking about not wanting to work on anything for the month of September in order to allow myself room to simply exist. Talking about triggers, childhood trauma, doing shadow work, or attachment styles can all get exhausting. Self awareness is very important but some of us are too self aware and need to just take a nap.

Now what?

It’s a dance that I’m still trying to navigate but all I know is that if love of self isn’t the motivator, all our efforts are bound to feel inadequate and meaningless. I’m learning to give myself grace as I evolve and so should you. I’ll leave you with a mantra I learned from @mrskevonstage that I repeat whenever I am unkind to myself: I’m worth it, as is, without change, without exception. Give yourself that grace and remember to extend it to others because for the most part, people are trying their best.

Reflect & Journal

• Name 3 things that you love about yourself? Could be physical, skills, character traits etc.

• What is something that you are proud of yourself for?