Self Care & The Internet: Why we need to rethink what we call 'self care'

Did someone say self care?

One of my favorite things to do as I’ve gotten older is to sit at home doing absolutely nothing. My couch literally has a big dent on it from all the times I came home after a long day and just sat. To me, this is the highest form of self care; being at home, in peace, and minding the business that pays me. I might scroll on my phone, laugh at ridiculous TikTok videos, watch a show, or simply just sit there and allow my thoughts to run as fast as Usain Bolt. Regardless of what you choose to do, self care simply means setting aside time to rest, regroup, and refill your cup in order to pour into others and show up as your best self. But like anything else in life, somewhere along the way, people started using self care in a way that’s not consistent with its intended purpose. Self care began to be confused with self centeredness and oftentimes, self sabotage and it’s sad to watch.

Girl, why do you stay mad?

Not sure if anyone else has noticed this trend on social media but it appears as though people are avoiding responsibility, accountability, or discipline in the name of self care. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s beautiful that as a whole, we’ve decided to start prioritizing our mental well-being and not letting this capitalistic society work us into an early grave. We are having conversations around setting healthy boundaries at work, with friends, family and overall just saying no without unnecessary explanations. However, self care cannot be an excuse to get us out of commitments and responsibilities within our families, friendships, work, or communities.

Girl what are you talking about?

Before you all come for me, let me provide you with examples of what self care is and what it isn’t. Things happen and sometimes, we all overcommit and can’t make plans we previously agreed to. However, if you are consistently canceling on people who care about you or repeatedly dropping the ball, you might actually be practicing self centeredness not self care. If someone in your life has a celebration and you take that time to air out grievances because you believe speaking your mind is self care (reality tv loves this), baby you might just be self centered. If you are consistently not meeting deadlines at work, coming in late, or simply not showing up for the sake of self care; come on sis! If everyone has had to bend over backward to cater to your needs but you run at the first sight of inconvenience, you might just be self centered. If people have given you grace in the past and forgave you for a mistake but the minute they mess up, you cut them off in the name of self care, then say it with me: YOU ARE SELF CENTERED. The reality is that we were designed to exist in community and for those of you that claim not to need anybody, quit lying and work on those abandonment issues. Don’t spend so much time pushing people away and disregarding your tribe in the name of “self care” because you might just wake up one day and it’ll be You, Yourself, and You.

Don’t leave yet, I’m not done

There’s nothing more painful to watch than those that self sabotage in the name of self care. I am the queen of procrastinating tasks to the very last minute just so I can get that extra couch time or five minutes to sleep in that always end up miraculously turning into an hour. Every time I choose instant gratification, I pay the consequence one way or another. When I was an RA in college, I had a student who would not write their paper until it was the night before. All along, she would choose ‘self care’ that will eventually hurt her as she attempts to stretch words into full sentences. And while we’re here, dear college students: single spacing your essay at first and then double spacing it later does not miraculously help you meet the word count. But we sometimes operate like that whether it be with a task or meeting certain goals in life. If you have been killing it at the gym all week and you decide to treat yourself to a dozen donuts at the end of the week to celebrate, then you are self sabotaging. A healthy form of self care considers how present choices might affect one’s future. In the aforementioned example, a better way to celebrate might be to buy yourself a little gift that will not negate all the work that you’ve already put in. In contrast, if your goal is to save money for a car, and half way through your saving, you wish to celebrate, then perhaps buying yourself those donuts is better than a Chanel bag. If you have bills and you choose to spend all the money on mimosas and brunch, only to be stressed later when your lights are out then you don’t really care about self, you are just self sabotaging.

In conclusion

However you choose to self care, remember your responsibilities, commitments, and relationships. Self care can mean pretty baths, alone time, sleeping in but sometimes, it looks like having discipline, apologizing, and doing the things you said you would do. Do not self care yourself into isolation or debt and definitely don’t let social media fool you, folks are pretending everyday for no reason. With that being said, let me go ahead and sit down, my couch misses me.

Reflection

How do you self care? Have you ever hurt yourself or those around you in the name of self care? How do you create a balance between a healthy self care and self centeredness or self sabotage?