Why some Fathers Need to Start Parenting instead of Babysitting

To those that are present in the lives of their children, spending time getting to know them, loving, supporting and sometimes disciplining them, I applaud you and this post is not for you. To the rest of y’all who still believe that it is the mother’s responsibility to single handedly carry the emotional, physical, and mental care of said children, I am extending unlimited judgment your way. Whether or not you have a relationship with the mother, once an innocent child who did not ask to be birthed is here, it is both of your responsibilities to raise said child. If that’s something that you are not ready or unwilling to take on, by all means join the monastery, become a pope, abstain, or wrap it all the way up. And before some of y’all hop in here talking about ‘some fathers provide financially’ just know that it is not enough. Children need to have both parents consistently present in their lives.

It is 2023 and with more women in the workforce, putting in the same work (sometimes more) as their partners, we really need to normalize shared responsibility as it relates to parenting. I grew up in a family where my mother was my primary and often sole caregiver. Not because my father was incapable of being a present father, he simply chose not to because he didn’t think he had to. At the very least, he could say that he was the primary provider while my mother was a stay at home mom. It’s still an excuse because his days off were spent anywhere but with us but that’s a story for another day. What is y’all’s excuse these days? In this country? In 2023? Where most women also have to work in order to make ends meet. What’s the excuse behind not equally sharing the responsibility of caring for the children?

I worked as a babysitter all throughout college and I noticed that for the most part, the mothers took charge of children’s needs whether or not they worked. I understand that mothers (those who carried the child) typically have to put in more hours in the beginning if they’re breastfeeding or pumping but at a certain point, the time spent has to be balanced. Some men just get lazy and leave the heavy load such as waking up at night, feeding, changing, playing, or going to appointments with the woman. I’ve seen a father literally call his wife to come change a diaper because he didn’t think that was his responsibility. I’ve seen fathers call on their partners to come and give the child a bottle so they can watch tv even though the mother was busy cooking and caring for the older children, after putting in work at her 9-5; like he did.

We have normalized applauding fathers for doing the bare minimum so much so that I’ve heard women say “I’ll ask my husband if he can babysit” before making plans to have lives outside of motherhood. What do you mean babysit? Is that not his child? Why is it that women are expected to parent while fathers get to “babysit”? It’s no wonder many women these days are terrified to start families because of all the arduous labor they see their mom friends go through; often with little to no help. And the nerve of it all, on IG these bare minimum fathers will be the ones posting pictures they took during the 5 minutes they held the child with the caption #fatherhood.

Let's be better at having these conversations and be clear about our expectations before having children. It won’t fully prepare us because kids have a mind of their own and they will push you in imaginable ways but it will at least save us some heartache and undue stress. Aunties, uncles, neighbors, grandparents and babysitters babysit; parents parent.